Monday, February 5, 2007

Out of whack feelings.....

I'm going to take just a few moments to lay out to you my feelings that started halfway through my pregnancy and continue (although not as frustrating now). While I was pregnant, I started experiencing feelings of jealousy toward the grandparents and any female relative who would soon be holding my baby. More toward the end of pregnancy, it got worse. After Joshua was born, my jealous feelings topped! Where in most cases the mother would have feelings of inadequacy and not even want to HOLD their baby, my problem was I didn't want any female relative to hold my son - not my mom, not my husband's mom. I didn't question my ability to take care of my son. I, and only I, was going to take care of him. That was my feelings. The day Joshua was born, I couldn't hold him until after about 1 1/2 hrs after I gave birth. People were coming in from everywhere when I just wanted to be alone. I appreciate the fact they were happy for us, but it's VERY hard to pull emotions together when trying to nurse and all of a sudden someone unexpected comes in. I felt I had no support with my nursing decision. It doesn't help that from my waist down is numb for hours and when I get up to go to the bathroom finally, I have absolutely NO control. None WHATSOEVER. How embarrassing. (Although I WOULD do it all over again for my baby). All the close relatives came in and they were holding my baby. I started having feelings that they were going to take my baby. I finally had something to call my own and I didn't have to give it back and I felt like they were going to try to take him from me. If someone had told me years ago that I'd be having those thoughts, I would've said, "naaa." But yes, all of a sudden those feelings were there. Everytime I saw one of my female relatives holding my baby and getting close to him, I just wanted to snap. It's been a year and I still get a little irritated when I see that, but I'm alot better than I was. Never say "Oh that won't happen to me" because you really never know. I'm actually still seeing a Christian counselor. No medicine. Just plain and honest talking.

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