Oh no. I've hit emotional again.............

Might as well put this one out there. I've been in tears again and it's not because of the "past midnight" fireworks next door.

I'm so glad that I am able to spend SOME time with Joshua. I have full days on Saturday and Sunday.

This morning, though, it hit me a little harder than usual. I have limited time with Joshua each morning. Sometimes its a few minutes or maybe it's none at all. When I pull out of the driveway, he's either standing on the couch looking out the window or he's standing in the doorway. That makes things REALLY hard.

In the evenings when I get home, he's starting to wind down. He's still sweet, but he's been through a full day and is getting tired or falls asleep during supper. I get him ready for bed.

My husband has started working all day on Tues, Thurs, and Fri. So that means the grandparents split those days. One stays with him from 9:15 - 12:30 or 1:00. The other stays from around 1pm til either my husband or I get home. My husband is with Joshua on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Sometimes, he'll grab my hand before work and want me to help him in his new venture. Walking up and down our steps. He's growing so fast and I feel like I'm missing it.

Well, hopefully I'll start working part time soon because I want to be at home with my little man a little more. If I work part time, then I'll be off 2 days. When my husband starts full time, he'll be off 1 day. That leaves only 2 days that someone else needs to watch him.

My husband and I both need to work at this time. Not so "we'll have extra money to burn." But you know how bills are. They have to be paid. Food needs to go on the table, electricity needs to be on, water needs to be running. Car insurance and taxes on our cars needs to be paid. Insurance and taxes (at the end of the year right at Christmas time) on the home need to be paid. Blah, blah.

We've cut back and continue to cut back on what we don't need.

I don't need to mention that because all of us have near 'bout the same bills. Thank goodness our home and 2 cars are paid for.

Anyway, for those of you who read this, if you have any interesting ideas about working from home, working part time, schedules, any experiences you want to share, PLEASE feel free to let me know about them.

Ma'am?

I've been noticing something interesting lately. And I'm trying to figure out how to take this....... But uh....and I'm trying to figure out how to say this. But here's the scenario: I go through the drive-thru at Hardees and the little lady at the window tells me how much my #1 Combo is. I hand her my card and she returns it. I ask her some odd question and she says "Yes, Ma'am." Then I ask her another question and it's "Yes, Ma'am." That happened today. Well, I've noticed that ALOT of times people are replying "Yes, Ma'am, No Ma'am." To me. My new status in life. It's now ma'am. Hey, don't get me wrong. I say Yes, Ma'am and No Ma'am, but for some reason it seems different when people say that to me. Just don't seem quiiitte right! I think about saying, "You don't have to call me Ma'am. I'm not that much older than you." Really, I'm not. I want to tell them I haven't been out of highschool that long. Oh maybe......uh........17 yrs.....hmmm. But I just got out of college......ummmm.......13 yrs ago. And it hasn't been that long since I got my first "professional" job. Um.....14 yrs ago? Uh-oh.......... And I'm still there...............at the same place....... Oh, well. I just shot my own explanation. Yes, ma'am, I did.........................

Out of whack feelings.....

I'm going to take just a few moments to lay out to you my feelings that started halfway through my pregnancy and continue (although not as frustrating now). While I was pregnant, I started experiencing feelings of jealousy toward the grandparents and any female relative who would soon be holding my baby. More toward the end of pregnancy, it got worse. After Joshua was born, my jealous feelings topped! Where in most cases the mother would have feelings of inadequacy and not even want to HOLD their baby, my problem was I didn't want any female relative to hold my son - not my mom, not my husband's mom. I didn't question my ability to take care of my son. I, and only I, was going to take care of him. That was my feelings. The day Joshua was born, I couldn't hold him until after about 1 1/2 hrs after I gave birth. People were coming in from everywhere when I just wanted to be alone. I appreciate the fact they were happy for us, but it's VERY hard to pull emotions together when trying to nurse and all of a sudden someone unexpected comes in. I felt I had no support with my nursing decision. It doesn't help that from my waist down is numb for hours and when I get up to go to the bathroom finally, I have absolutely NO control. None WHATSOEVER. How embarrassing. (Although I WOULD do it all over again for my baby). All the close relatives came in and they were holding my baby. I started having feelings that they were going to take my baby. I finally had something to call my own and I didn't have to give it back and I felt like they were going to try to take him from me. If someone had told me years ago that I'd be having those thoughts, I would've said, "naaa." But yes, all of a sudden those feelings were there. Everytime I saw one of my female relatives holding my baby and getting close to him, I just wanted to snap. It's been a year and I still get a little irritated when I see that, but I'm alot better than I was. Never say "Oh that won't happen to me" because you really never know. I'm actually still seeing a Christian counselor. No medicine. Just plain and honest talking.